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Five or six years ago, when I was first venturing out into the dating world as an adult, dating apps were not a thing, but I still met potential partners with relative ease. Whether it was through my friends, out at a bar, in a coffee shop or whatever, connecting was not that difficult. Of […]

The post Dating Apps: Reframing How and Why You Use Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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Five or six years ago, when I was first venturing out into the dating world as an adult, dating apps were not a thing, but I still met potential partners with relative ease. Whether it was through my friends, out at a bar, in a coffee shop or whatever, connecting was not that difficult. Of course, I was still young and generally had no idea what I wanted. Within a year or two, a couple short-term relationships fizzled and I went back on the market amid a new-trend-gone-mainstream: Online dating.

At that point, most people were at least trying Match, OKCupid, eHarmony, and eventually dating apps like Tinder and Loveawake. Pretty soon, everyone was dating online. Then, everyone was dating almost exclusively online. And thus, our current culture of indecision, ghosting, hookups and general romantic mayhem was born.

The Effects of App Dating on Finding Relationships

Studies have looked into the cognitive effects of dating apps and online matching, and there are probably too many to count at this point. Way back in 2009, researchers showed that more options led to more time searching for prospects and poor quality romantic decision-making—and that was pre-Tinder. Despite the claims of matching algorithms, a 2015 study from relationship researcher Eli Finkel & co-authors showed that while dating in the digital age has inherently changed courtship, it hasn’t necessarily led to better outcomes.

A 2016 Atlantic article, “The Rise of Dating-App Fatigue,” perhaps put it best. Writer Julie Beck says that while of course apps have enabled the f*ckboys and douchebaggery to some extent, there is a deeper wave of mass disappointment about the lack of genuine connections created. “I hear far more complaints from people who are trying to find relationships, or looking to casually date, who just find that it’s not working, or that it’s much harder than they expected,” she says.

We were told this would be great! Simple! A pool of possibility! Um, lol. “The easiest way to meet people turns out to be a really labor-intensive and uncertain way of getting relationships,” says Beck. “While the possibilities seem exciting at first, the effort, attention, patience, and resilience it requires can leave people frustrated and exhausted.” That fatigue is so real. So, if I do want a real relationship, I cannot be bothered to fire up my online dating profile.

Why Even Use Apps to Date?

I’ve begun to realize dating apps are good for at least one thing, though: Data collection. Perhaps it is a crucial step toward finding a long-term partner — figuring out what you like, figuring out what you don’t like, tossing out the bad and recognizing the good. Here’s a spattering of random things I’ve learned about myself through the use of dating apps: I need a lot of emotional availability if I’m ever going to be able to “open up,” I loathe inconsistency, the sound of my date’s voice is either a huge attraction trigger or turn-off for me, sparks and chemistry are not the same thing, and coffee dates are always a bad idea (IMHO).

Some of these things seemed small, in isolation, as they were happening. But inconsequential moments in my dating life added up, created patterns, and taught me crucial lessons about my romantic needs.

Once upon a time, my mother told me that every man I dated would teach me something about the type of person I’d ultimately want to end up with. It’s true. And I didn’t necessarily need long-lasting relationships to learn these things. The data, the patterns I filed away in my subconscious, all the app dates I went on to outnumber the “organic” connections…. it’s starting to pay off. Something really interesting has been happening lately.

When I started dating like crazy years ago, I was so focused on the process dating; I thought that eventually an app date would lead to a magical connection if I just kept at it. I’d carefully read a profile, swipe right, chat on the app, give out my phone number, set up a date; repeat, repeat, repeat a million times. Sometimes I was more interested than they were; sometimes they were more interested than I was; sometimes neither of us seemed to care all that much. Romantic attraction needed to happen super-fast for both parties, because—duh—we were on a “dating” app, not a friendship app or a networking app. But what you feel on Day 1 is usually not indicative of how the relationship is going to pan out over the long-term.

Qualities of character, compatibility, communication patterns, genuine comfort and chemistry, aka the key components of lasting relationships, take a longer time to gauge. In fact, science has shown that the more time you spend with someone, the more you may see them as a potential great romantic partner, even if you didn’t at first; “For Couples, Time Can Upend the Laws of Attraction,” claims the New York Times, in reviewing the social science.

Only problem there? Time is something online dating does not typically allow for.

How Apps Can Help You Land Relationships—In an Unexpected Way

Looking back, I am not surprised none of my digital dates ever turned into a real relationship. If you feel similarly, it makes sense why dating apps are currently not working; the early stages of meeting those strangers are typically built around insta-attraction, not compatibility or commitment viability. Attraction is not the same as genuine companionship or deep romantic feeling. But back to what I’ve noticed.

My most significant relationship prospects were friends of friends—and I them all between eight months to two years before things ever became romantic. I just didn’t really see them that way at first. Not that there was nothing there at all, but, rather, I didn’t recognize it. My theory is simple: When I met each of them, I was distracted. I was casually dating around via app, breaking up with someone I met on an app, and then focusing on my career (all while dodging another guy I met on an app, who wanted to date) in that order.

I may not have noticed a real connection when it popped up, but the app dating was not a loss. All that time I spent on dating apps was informing what I wanted in a partner, at the very least. When I’d gotten closer to someone ideal for me, I was ready for a relationship. When I saw these guys again, with acquired experience and collected data about myself, these men became extremely attractive potential partners for me. I knew them. I felt the compatibility. It was a different type of attraction—and it stuck around much longer.

So, try this: When you use dating apps, lower your expectations and reframe your goals. Show up with the intention to find things you like, and things you don’t. If they disappear, remember it’s the nature of this beast we call “modern dating,” at least as it stands right now (rest assured; I am working to change it from the inside).

And keep your eyes open for connections to materialize in or around your social circle—people you kind of know, and have observed outside the context of a romantic setting. Hopefully people your friends can vouch for. Maybe you get lucky. Or maybe for you, app dating is not about finding love at all. It’s about collecting data, so you can recognize love when it arrives.

The post Dating Apps: Reframing How and Why You Use Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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Five or six years ago, when I was first venturing out into the dating world as an adult, dating apps were not a thing, but I still met potential partners with relative ease. Whether it was through my friends, out at a bar, in a coffee shop or whatever, connecting was not that difficult. Of […]

The post Dating Apps: Reframing How and Why You Use Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(8656) "

Five or six years ago, when I was first venturing out into the dating world as an adult, dating apps were not a thing, but I still met potential partners with relative ease. Whether it was through my friends, out at a bar, in a coffee shop or whatever, connecting was not that difficult. Of course, I was still young and generally had no idea what I wanted. Within a year or two, a couple short-term relationships fizzled and I went back on the market amid a new-trend-gone-mainstream: Online dating.

At that point, most people were at least trying Match, OKCupid, eHarmony, and eventually dating apps like Tinder and Loveawake. Pretty soon, everyone was dating online. Then, everyone was dating almost exclusively online. And thus, our current culture of indecision, ghosting, hookups and general romantic mayhem was born.

The Effects of App Dating on Finding Relationships

Studies have looked into the cognitive effects of dating apps and online matching, and there are probably too many to count at this point. Way back in 2009, researchers showed that more options led to more time searching for prospects and poor quality romantic decision-making—and that was pre-Tinder. Despite the claims of matching algorithms, a 2015 study from relationship researcher Eli Finkel & co-authors showed that while dating in the digital age has inherently changed courtship, it hasn’t necessarily led to better outcomes.

A 2016 Atlantic article, “The Rise of Dating-App Fatigue,” perhaps put it best. Writer Julie Beck says that while of course apps have enabled the f*ckboys and douchebaggery to some extent, there is a deeper wave of mass disappointment about the lack of genuine connections created. “I hear far more complaints from people who are trying to find relationships, or looking to casually date, who just find that it’s not working, or that it’s much harder than they expected,” she says.

We were told this would be great! Simple! A pool of possibility! Um, lol. “The easiest way to meet people turns out to be a really labor-intensive and uncertain way of getting relationships,” says Beck. “While the possibilities seem exciting at first, the effort, attention, patience, and resilience it requires can leave people frustrated and exhausted.” That fatigue is so real. So, if I do want a real relationship, I cannot be bothered to fire up my online dating profile.

Why Even Use Apps to Date?

I’ve begun to realize dating apps are good for at least one thing, though: Data collection. Perhaps it is a crucial step toward finding a long-term partner — figuring out what you like, figuring out what you don’t like, tossing out the bad and recognizing the good. Here’s a spattering of random things I’ve learned about myself through the use of dating apps: I need a lot of emotional availability if I’m ever going to be able to “open up,” I loathe inconsistency, the sound of my date’s voice is either a huge attraction trigger or turn-off for me, sparks and chemistry are not the same thing, and coffee dates are always a bad idea (IMHO).

Some of these things seemed small, in isolation, as they were happening. But inconsequential moments in my dating life added up, created patterns, and taught me crucial lessons about my romantic needs.

Once upon a time, my mother told me that every man I dated would teach me something about the type of person I’d ultimately want to end up with. It’s true. And I didn’t necessarily need long-lasting relationships to learn these things. The data, the patterns I filed away in my subconscious, all the app dates I went on to outnumber the “organic” connections…. it’s starting to pay off. Something really interesting has been happening lately.

When I started dating like crazy years ago, I was so focused on the process dating; I thought that eventually an app date would lead to a magical connection if I just kept at it. I’d carefully read a profile, swipe right, chat on the app, give out my phone number, set up a date; repeat, repeat, repeat a million times. Sometimes I was more interested than they were; sometimes they were more interested than I was; sometimes neither of us seemed to care all that much. Romantic attraction needed to happen super-fast for both parties, because—duh—we were on a “dating” app, not a friendship app or a networking app. But what you feel on Day 1 is usually not indicative of how the relationship is going to pan out over the long-term.

Qualities of character, compatibility, communication patterns, genuine comfort and chemistry, aka the key components of lasting relationships, take a longer time to gauge. In fact, science has shown that the more time you spend with someone, the more you may see them as a potential great romantic partner, even if you didn’t at first; “For Couples, Time Can Upend the Laws of Attraction,” claims the New York Times, in reviewing the social science.

Only problem there? Time is something online dating does not typically allow for.

How Apps Can Help You Land Relationships—In an Unexpected Way

Looking back, I am not surprised none of my digital dates ever turned into a real relationship. If you feel similarly, it makes sense why dating apps are currently not working; the early stages of meeting those strangers are typically built around insta-attraction, not compatibility or commitment viability. Attraction is not the same as genuine companionship or deep romantic feeling. But back to what I’ve noticed.

My most significant relationship prospects were friends of friends—and I them all between eight months to two years before things ever became romantic. I just didn’t really see them that way at first. Not that there was nothing there at all, but, rather, I didn’t recognize it. My theory is simple: When I met each of them, I was distracted. I was casually dating around via app, breaking up with someone I met on an app, and then focusing on my career (all while dodging another guy I met on an app, who wanted to date) in that order.

I may not have noticed a real connection when it popped up, but the app dating was not a loss. All that time I spent on dating apps was informing what I wanted in a partner, at the very least. When I’d gotten closer to someone ideal for me, I was ready for a relationship. When I saw these guys again, with acquired experience and collected data about myself, these men became extremely attractive potential partners for me. I knew them. I felt the compatibility. It was a different type of attraction—and it stuck around much longer.

So, try this: When you use dating apps, lower your expectations and reframe your goals. Show up with the intention to find things you like, and things you don’t. If they disappear, remember it’s the nature of this beast we call “modern dating,” at least as it stands right now (rest assured; I am working to change it from the inside).

And keep your eyes open for connections to materialize in or around your social circle—people you kind of know, and have observed outside the context of a romantic setting. Hopefully people your friends can vouch for. Maybe you get lucky. Or maybe for you, app dating is not about finding love at all. It’s about collecting data, so you can recognize love when it arrives.

The post Dating Apps: Reframing How and Why You Use Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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If I could advocate that frustrated daters do just one single thing before committing to their next partner, it’s figure out your attachment style. What is an attachment style? I’ll summarize quickly: In the 1950s and 1960s, psychologists uncovered a few primary attachment styles in infants: secure, anxious and avoidant. Later on, disorganized attachment was added to the list of styles […]

The post Do You Know Your Attachment Style? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(7021) "

If I could advocate that frustrated daters do just one single thing before committing to their next partner, it’s figure out your attachment style.

What is an attachment style? I’ll summarize quickly: In the 1950s and 1960s, psychologists uncovered a few primary attachment styles in infants: secure, anxious and avoidant. Later on, disorganized attachment was added to the list of styles in children. The idea is simple: The bonds we form with our earliest caretakers will impact the relationships we’re prone to create for the rest of our lives.

In the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth pioneered a test called the Strange Situation Classification (SSC) to show how infants reacted when their caregivers left them in a room with a stranger. Secure children would cry and wail when their caretakers left, but were easily comforted upon return. Anxious children would become more intensely upset when their caregiver left and would often cling; when the caregiver eventually came back, they refused comfort and often resisted contact. Avoidant children acted undisturbed through it all. Later on, a fourth style, disorganized attachment, was identified as a hybrid of the two original insecure styles.

Why do these attachment styles develop? Well, for a long time, scientists blamed mothers (or primary caregivers) for the way children formed their attachments. Later on, an interactionist theory of attachment was developed — which I fully believe in. The idea is that, ultimately, your attachment style is formed through a mix of your innate temperament and the way your caretaker responds to your needs as a child.

Attachment style theorists propose that the attachment style of your childhood (caregiver-baby attachments) will eventually become the style of your adulthood (romantic attachments). For those trying to form romantic partnerships, there are four styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful. I’d suggest taking an online quiz to solidify your answers. But you should identify with the statements associated with these styles, which researchers have put forth:

SECURE: “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or others not accepting me.”

ANXIOUS: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”

AVOIDANT: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”

FEARFUL: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to other people.”

This is important for a few reasons:

I’d recommend the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (A++, 10/10 would recommend) if you’re interested in more information on attachment styles in adult relationships. For more on my personal journey with attachment theory, you can also read my essay on Health.com. However, right now, I’d want to point out something simple for a lot of daters out there: Looking for a secure-attacher can give you a lot of peace.

SECURES TENDS TO BE:

Secures are kind of like clay, in that they are super-adaptable; you can mold them into pretty much anything, based on the needs of the relationship. They also think about their relationships a whole lot less than those who are insecure, which is actually really healthy and functional. Oh, and bonus: The more time you’re with a person who’s secure, the more secure you will become as a result. They less you will worry about the relationship. The less chance the relationship will dissolve.

So, what’s my advice? For insecure people? Look for someone who is secure, or enter a relationship with another insecure attacher with the utmost awareness that you’ll need to compromise to meet each of your needs (anxious and fearful will get a little less intimacy; avoidant will get a little less distance). Put forth your needs upfront to see if the person you’re dating can meet them appropriately. Beware of the intense chemistry of insecure attachments (that feel like they may fall apart at any moment, how exciting!), or of anyone who idealizes you.

Have you found attachment theory helpful?

The post Do You Know Your Attachment Style? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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If I could advocate that frustrated daters do just one single thing before committing to their next partner, it’s figure out your attachment style. What is an attachment style? I’ll summarize quickly: In the 1950s and 1960s, psychologists uncovered a few primary attachment styles in infants: secure, anxious and avoidant. Later on, disorganized attachment was added to the list of styles […]

The post Do You Know Your Attachment Style? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(7021) "

If I could advocate that frustrated daters do just one single thing before committing to their next partner, it’s figure out your attachment style.

What is an attachment style? I’ll summarize quickly: In the 1950s and 1960s, psychologists uncovered a few primary attachment styles in infants: secure, anxious and avoidant. Later on, disorganized attachment was added to the list of styles in children. The idea is simple: The bonds we form with our earliest caretakers will impact the relationships we’re prone to create for the rest of our lives.

In the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth pioneered a test called the Strange Situation Classification (SSC) to show how infants reacted when their caregivers left them in a room with a stranger. Secure children would cry and wail when their caretakers left, but were easily comforted upon return. Anxious children would become more intensely upset when their caregiver left and would often cling; when the caregiver eventually came back, they refused comfort and often resisted contact. Avoidant children acted undisturbed through it all. Later on, a fourth style, disorganized attachment, was identified as a hybrid of the two original insecure styles.

Why do these attachment styles develop? Well, for a long time, scientists blamed mothers (or primary caregivers) for the way children formed their attachments. Later on, an interactionist theory of attachment was developed — which I fully believe in. The idea is that, ultimately, your attachment style is formed through a mix of your innate temperament and the way your caretaker responds to your needs as a child.

Attachment style theorists propose that the attachment style of your childhood (caregiver-baby attachments) will eventually become the style of your adulthood (romantic attachments). For those trying to form romantic partnerships, there are four styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful. I’d suggest taking an online quiz to solidify your answers. But you should identify with the statements associated with these styles, which researchers have put forth:

SECURE: “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or others not accepting me.”

ANXIOUS: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”

AVOIDANT: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”

FEARFUL: “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to other people.”

This is important for a few reasons:

I’d recommend the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (A++, 10/10 would recommend) if you’re interested in more information on attachment styles in adult relationships. For more on my personal journey with attachment theory, you can also read my essay on Health.com. However, right now, I’d want to point out something simple for a lot of daters out there: Looking for a secure-attacher can give you a lot of peace.

SECURES TENDS TO BE:

Secures are kind of like clay, in that they are super-adaptable; you can mold them into pretty much anything, based on the needs of the relationship. They also think about their relationships a whole lot less than those who are insecure, which is actually really healthy and functional. Oh, and bonus: The more time you’re with a person who’s secure, the more secure you will become as a result. They less you will worry about the relationship. The less chance the relationship will dissolve.

So, what’s my advice? For insecure people? Look for someone who is secure, or enter a relationship with another insecure attacher with the utmost awareness that you’ll need to compromise to meet each of your needs (anxious and fearful will get a little less intimacy; avoidant will get a little less distance). Put forth your needs upfront to see if the person you’re dating can meet them appropriately. Beware of the intense chemistry of insecure attachments (that feel like they may fall apart at any moment, how exciting!), or of anyone who idealizes you.

Have you found attachment theory helpful?

The post Do You Know Your Attachment Style? appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1652702992) } [2]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(54) "8 Fast But Effective Ways to Judge a Man’s Character" ["link"]=> string(90) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/05/16/8-fast-but-effective-ways-to-judge-a-mans-character/" ["comments"]=> string(98) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/05/16/8-fast-but-effective-ways-to-judge-a-mans-character/#respond" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(13) "J. T. Ellison" } ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 16 May 2022 11:49:47 +0000" ["category"]=> string(84) "Dating Advicecharacterdating conversationdating strategyfirst datePersonality Traits" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=8691" ["description"]=> string(650) "

Dating someone who’s not compatible with you is a costly mistake because you waste precious time that you could be spending with a better match. Dating someone of poor character is the costliest mistake, because the experience damages you. It makes you cynical and pessimistic about love – “All the good guys are taken.”  It makes you […]

The post 8 Fast But Effective Ways to Judge a Man’s Character appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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Dating someone who’s not compatible with you is a costly mistake because you waste precious time that you could be spending with a better match. Dating someone of poor character is the costliest mistake, because the experience damages you.

It makes you cynical and pessimistic about love – “All the good guys are taken.” 

It makes you doubt yourself – “I always wind up choosing the wrong guys.” 

And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as you repeat your mistakes and make them a habit. We need fast but effective ways to judge a man’s character to avoid these pitfalls.

Most people do have good character, but those who don’t – the narcissists, players, opportunists – create so much “noise” in the dating pool that it’s easy to fall prey to them. They don’t really do relationships, so they’re always on the market as repeat offenders. The challenge is to identify these relationship “losers” early, before you get caught up in their drama. It also just feels really good to kick an asshole to the curb. 🙂

Long ago Real Simple magazine featured an article called 5 Tricks to Reading People. I like four of them and have added a few of my own. (The first four are from the article, with my own spin added.)

1. Take them out to dinner.

Waiter Darron Cardosa learns a lot about people by the way they treat him. Do they make eye contact? Go with the flow? Treat him respectfully? I agree that observing how someone treats service providers can offer insights into their character.

There are other things you can learn at dinner as well. Is your date a foodie? Or do they eat just to live? What kind of food do they enjoy? Do they drink alcohol? You may learn something about character and maybe pick up some cues on whether the two of you share the same interests.

2. Do they say “Actually…”?

Does your date try to correct you or disprove what you’ve said? Beware, this may be someone who thrives on being right and doesn’t mind generating conflict to “win.”

I once referred to Jack Daniels as a bourbon, and my date gave me an extended lecture on Kentucky Bourbon vs. Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey. Made where, don’t care. I was so turned off in the space of ten minutes that he went from devastatingly attractive to annoying and gross. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

3. Are they forthright and direct in their communication style?

Jury consultant Leslie Ellis says this is tied to the way we perceive honesty. Someone who hems and haws, looks sideways and generally avoids saying what they mean is not adept at communication. That’s the best case scenario. At worst, they may be manipulative or deceptive. That’s a poor sign for relationship health.

4. Ask them if they’ve ever broken a bone.

I like this one! Stephen Camarata, a professor of psychiatry at Vanderbilt, says that the answer to this question will tell you whether someone is aggressive and daring, or cautious and deliberate. He claims the results are valid for his own seven children.

I’ve broken five bones, mostly while skiing, skating and doing gymnastics. Basically, I’m a klutz. No doubt I do fall to the aggressive/daring side of the spectrum. That means there are lots of people I wouldn’t be compatible with. And while I believe I have been a very reliable partner, the truth is that risk-taking and novelty-seeking are correlated to some pretty undesirable personality traits.

5. Ask them what they were like as a kid.

This is an excellent way to test the “earnestness” quotient of a person. That’s the quality of showing “sincere and intense conviction.” In my view, it’s one of the single best character metrics there is.

People find it awkward to answer questions about what they’re like now, but are often happy to talk openly about their childhoods. Since few of us really change much over time, that’s a good window into the events that have shaped a person’s character.

6. Say something to make yourself vulnerable.

This is one of the key ways women develop friendships. One person shares or confesses something that makes them vulnerable. If they other person reciprocates, it’s clear that both parties are interested in developing intimacy. There’s no reason this can’t work in dating. Cop to something that doesn’t put you in the best light and see how the other person responds. Do they join you in the conversation or remain guarded? At the very least do they show empathy by offering support or reassurance?

7. Tease them.

How do they respond to some good natured teasing? Are they amused? Do they give it right back? Is it fun? Or are they awkward? Do they handle it poorly, showing annoyance or anger? People who take themselves very seriously are exhausting to be with. The ability to kid around and laugh at oneself is a key indicator of ego health.

8. Ask them what kind of life they want.

Some people may respond to this as if you asked where they want their career to be in five years. Others may talk about family or give a spiritual response. If a guy says he wants to travel all over the world indefinitely, you’ve learned something very important.

I heard from one reader whose date told her he was considering entering the Jesuit Seminary! You can learn a lot about a person’s values by asking them what matters to them most in this one life.

What not to do:

I’ve read male bloggers who suggest a strategy of fakery in order to get a woman to confess her “sins.” They pretend to be interested and non-judgmental, but they ask questions designed to trip her up and get her to admit anything from feminist sympathies to past sexual experience.

Never deceive, pretend or lie in order to entrap someone. Needless to say, once you’ve done that you’ve killed any possibility of a relationship. You can learn everything you need to about a person by getting to know them and being honest yourself.

What have I missed? How do you judge the character of someone you’re interested in? Is this something  you do deliberately early on, or do you tend to realize too late that red flags were showing all along?

Let’s discuss!

The post 8 Fast But Effective Ways to Judge a Man’s Character appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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Dating someone who’s not compatible with you is a costly mistake because you waste precious time that you could be spending with a better match. Dating someone of poor character is the costliest mistake, because the experience damages you. It makes you cynical and pessimistic about love – “All the good guys are taken.”  It makes you […]

The post 8 Fast But Effective Ways to Judge a Man’s Character appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(7267) "

Dating someone who’s not compatible with you is a costly mistake because you waste precious time that you could be spending with a better match. Dating someone of poor character is the costliest mistake, because the experience damages you.

It makes you cynical and pessimistic about love – “All the good guys are taken.” 

It makes you doubt yourself – “I always wind up choosing the wrong guys.” 

And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as you repeat your mistakes and make them a habit. We need fast but effective ways to judge a man’s character to avoid these pitfalls.

Most people do have good character, but those who don’t – the narcissists, players, opportunists – create so much “noise” in the dating pool that it’s easy to fall prey to them. They don’t really do relationships, so they’re always on the market as repeat offenders. The challenge is to identify these relationship “losers” early, before you get caught up in their drama. It also just feels really good to kick an asshole to the curb. 🙂

Long ago Real Simple magazine featured an article called 5 Tricks to Reading People. I like four of them and have added a few of my own. (The first four are from the article, with my own spin added.)

1. Take them out to dinner.

Waiter Darron Cardosa learns a lot about people by the way they treat him. Do they make eye contact? Go with the flow? Treat him respectfully? I agree that observing how someone treats service providers can offer insights into their character.

There are other things you can learn at dinner as well. Is your date a foodie? Or do they eat just to live? What kind of food do they enjoy? Do they drink alcohol? You may learn something about character and maybe pick up some cues on whether the two of you share the same interests.

2. Do they say “Actually…”?

Does your date try to correct you or disprove what you’ve said? Beware, this may be someone who thrives on being right and doesn’t mind generating conflict to “win.”

I once referred to Jack Daniels as a bourbon, and my date gave me an extended lecture on Kentucky Bourbon vs. Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey. Made where, don’t care. I was so turned off in the space of ten minutes that he went from devastatingly attractive to annoying and gross. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

3. Are they forthright and direct in their communication style?

Jury consultant Leslie Ellis says this is tied to the way we perceive honesty. Someone who hems and haws, looks sideways and generally avoids saying what they mean is not adept at communication. That’s the best case scenario. At worst, they may be manipulative or deceptive. That’s a poor sign for relationship health.

4. Ask them if they’ve ever broken a bone.

I like this one! Stephen Camarata, a professor of psychiatry at Vanderbilt, says that the answer to this question will tell you whether someone is aggressive and daring, or cautious and deliberate. He claims the results are valid for his own seven children.

I’ve broken five bones, mostly while skiing, skating and doing gymnastics. Basically, I’m a klutz. No doubt I do fall to the aggressive/daring side of the spectrum. That means there are lots of people I wouldn’t be compatible with. And while I believe I have been a very reliable partner, the truth is that risk-taking and novelty-seeking are correlated to some pretty undesirable personality traits.

5. Ask them what they were like as a kid.

This is an excellent way to test the “earnestness” quotient of a person. That’s the quality of showing “sincere and intense conviction.” In my view, it’s one of the single best character metrics there is.

People find it awkward to answer questions about what they’re like now, but are often happy to talk openly about their childhoods. Since few of us really change much over time, that’s a good window into the events that have shaped a person’s character.

6. Say something to make yourself vulnerable.

This is one of the key ways women develop friendships. One person shares or confesses something that makes them vulnerable. If they other person reciprocates, it’s clear that both parties are interested in developing intimacy. There’s no reason this can’t work in dating. Cop to something that doesn’t put you in the best light and see how the other person responds. Do they join you in the conversation or remain guarded? At the very least do they show empathy by offering support or reassurance?

7. Tease them.

How do they respond to some good natured teasing? Are they amused? Do they give it right back? Is it fun? Or are they awkward? Do they handle it poorly, showing annoyance or anger? People who take themselves very seriously are exhausting to be with. The ability to kid around and laugh at oneself is a key indicator of ego health.

8. Ask them what kind of life they want.

Some people may respond to this as if you asked where they want their career to be in five years. Others may talk about family or give a spiritual response. If a guy says he wants to travel all over the world indefinitely, you’ve learned something very important.

I heard from one reader whose date told her he was considering entering the Jesuit Seminary! You can learn a lot about a person’s values by asking them what matters to them most in this one life.

What not to do:

I’ve read male bloggers who suggest a strategy of fakery in order to get a woman to confess her “sins.” They pretend to be interested and non-judgmental, but they ask questions designed to trip her up and get her to admit anything from feminist sympathies to past sexual experience.

Never deceive, pretend or lie in order to entrap someone. Needless to say, once you’ve done that you’ve killed any possibility of a relationship. You can learn everything you need to about a person by getting to know them and being honest yourself.

What have I missed? How do you judge the character of someone you’re interested in? Is this something  you do deliberately early on, or do you tend to realize too late that red flags were showing all along?

Let’s discuss!

The post 8 Fast But Effective Ways to Judge a Man’s Character appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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I’ve always been a stickler for honesty in relationships. I believe we should be up front about the terms of any relationship: what we’re looking for, what we’re willing to give, what we expect to receive. I abhor the “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to faking exclusivity. I loathe deceptive, manipulative tactics like “push-pull” or “negging,” which […]

The post White Lies and Well Being appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(7432) "

I’ve always been a stickler for honesty in relationships. I believe we should be up front about the terms of any relationship: what we’re looking for, what we’re willing to give, what we expect to receive.

I abhor the “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to faking exclusivity. I loathe deceptive, manipulative tactics like “push-pull” or “negging,” which are designed to increase anxiety or insecurity in a “target” for your own benefit. A neg may technically be true – “You have cute pointy vampire teeth” – but its goal is not truth, it’s personal gain.

I don’t want to know everything my partner is thinking. My ass looks fat in these jeans. The woman across from us on the train is so lovely. He’s agreeing to sex to be kind even though he craves sleep more. He can’t figure out why I thought pork with orange sections and shredded coconut sounded like something I should cook for dinner. (My parents had a huge fight about this once.)

I don’t expect him to point out that the woman is busted, or request the Tropical Fruit Pork Casserole again soon. Yet diplomacy and tact in society traditionally dictate that “when we can’t say anything nice, we shouldn’t say anything at all.”

Truth in relationships is not straightforward. We strive for balance. Where do we draw the line? If we use “preserve our partner’s feelings” as a guide, then we quickly get into the murky territory of cheating: “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

If we embrace a policy of “full disclosure,” we’re sharing a lot of stuff that may prove threatening to our partner even if we know it’s meaningless: “I dreamed about my ex again last night.”

We tell white lies when we weigh the cost of telling the truth and find it too high, either for the other party, ourselves, or both.

Lying to soften initial rejection

Women frequently use white lies to reject unwanted attention from men. They’re far more likely to tell an interested stranger they have a boyfriend than to say they’re not interested or don’t find him attractive. They do this for two reasons:

  1. They believe this approach is empathic, in that it allows the unsuccessful candidate to save face.
  2. Most women have had men respond to rejection angrily, which is unnerving or even scary.

Dating coach Evan Marc Katz is in favor of the “diluted truth” approach when a woman is rejecting a man, and agrees that women need to reject with finality:

“It’s not a negotiation; it’s a declaration.

You don’t have to explain why you don’t like him. You don’t have to promise to stay in touch as friends. You don’t have to do anything, except give him a slightly diluted version of the truth, so you don’t hurt his feelings when you reject him.

Sure, he can press you on WHY you didn’t feel it for him. Sure, he can write you a note that says that he thinks you’re a bitch and that you’ll die old alone. But that has nothing to do with you. You can rest easy, knowing that you did the classy thing, and that there’s nothing else that you can do to make it go down any easier.”

Lying to soften rejection at the breakup

Of course, both sexes use the clichéd “It’s not you, it’s me” to effect a breakup with minimal drama and hurt.

Withholding the truth to maintain privacy

The HuffPo article The Lies You Should Tell When Dating  recommends withholding some truths when it comes to past relationships. When asked about previous sexual partners or the timeline of her last relationship, the writer explicitly declines to answer the question. This is perfectly fair – the inquiring party is free to judge her unwillingness to share, but is not entitled to that information.

Generally, if a person is worried about the sexual experience of the other party, it’s not a match. (Or rather, it’s a sociosexuality mismatch.)

Lying to smooth out sex

Let’s not forget lies during sex:

70% lied out of empathy (however misguided!). And it’s not just women – according to one survey, 21% of straight men admitted to faking orgasms.

Lying to self

Finally, there are the lies we tell ourselves. We celebrate the reluctant commitment we wheedled out of the guy we know would prefer FWB. We pretend that the emotionally unavailable grump is learning to trust us and that the slight uptick in intimacy will last forever. Or that the guy who cheated on his ex is not the type to cheat on us.

But it can be really, really difficult to know what’s true.

Ultimately, I think we should go through the world being as kind as we possibly can. Sometimes that means telling white lies.

“You’re a beautiful bride!”

“That’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen!”

“Fine, thanks, how are you?”

When kindness today means greater pain for that person later, then the white lie is a selfish act designed to make your own life easier.

“I’m not seeing anyone else at the moment.” (But I hope to this week.)

“I really like you a lot, I think this is a game changer.” (The game will be up once we have sex.)

“It’s not like that, we’re just friends at the office.” (But if I can convince her to dump her boyfriend, I wanna hit that.)

Famous quotes about white lies tend to be pretty negative:

This is a joke, right?

What are your personal guidelines and boundaries? How do you protect yourself against lies? How do you protect others against a hurtful truth?

What would life be like if we told no white lies or always shared the truth?

The post White Lies and Well Being appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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I’ve always been a stickler for honesty in relationships. I believe we should be up front about the terms of any relationship: what we’re looking for, what we’re willing to give, what we expect to receive. I abhor the “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to faking exclusivity. I loathe deceptive, manipulative tactics like “push-pull” or “negging,” which […]

The post White Lies and Well Being appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(7432) "

I’ve always been a stickler for honesty in relationships. I believe we should be up front about the terms of any relationship: what we’re looking for, what we’re willing to give, what we expect to receive.

I abhor the “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to faking exclusivity. I loathe deceptive, manipulative tactics like “push-pull” or “negging,” which are designed to increase anxiety or insecurity in a “target” for your own benefit. A neg may technically be true – “You have cute pointy vampire teeth” – but its goal is not truth, it’s personal gain.

I don’t want to know everything my partner is thinking. My ass looks fat in these jeans. The woman across from us on the train is so lovely. He’s agreeing to sex to be kind even though he craves sleep more. He can’t figure out why I thought pork with orange sections and shredded coconut sounded like something I should cook for dinner. (My parents had a huge fight about this once.)

I don’t expect him to point out that the woman is busted, or request the Tropical Fruit Pork Casserole again soon. Yet diplomacy and tact in society traditionally dictate that “when we can’t say anything nice, we shouldn’t say anything at all.”

Truth in relationships is not straightforward. We strive for balance. Where do we draw the line? If we use “preserve our partner’s feelings” as a guide, then we quickly get into the murky territory of cheating: “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

If we embrace a policy of “full disclosure,” we’re sharing a lot of stuff that may prove threatening to our partner even if we know it’s meaningless: “I dreamed about my ex again last night.”

We tell white lies when we weigh the cost of telling the truth and find it too high, either for the other party, ourselves, or both.

Lying to soften initial rejection

Women frequently use white lies to reject unwanted attention from men. They’re far more likely to tell an interested stranger they have a boyfriend than to say they’re not interested or don’t find him attractive. They do this for two reasons:

  1. They believe this approach is empathic, in that it allows the unsuccessful candidate to save face.
  2. Most women have had men respond to rejection angrily, which is unnerving or even scary.

Dating coach Evan Marc Katz is in favor of the “diluted truth” approach when a woman is rejecting a man, and agrees that women need to reject with finality:

“It’s not a negotiation; it’s a declaration.

You don’t have to explain why you don’t like him. You don’t have to promise to stay in touch as friends. You don’t have to do anything, except give him a slightly diluted version of the truth, so you don’t hurt his feelings when you reject him.

Sure, he can press you on WHY you didn’t feel it for him. Sure, he can write you a note that says that he thinks you’re a bitch and that you’ll die old alone. But that has nothing to do with you. You can rest easy, knowing that you did the classy thing, and that there’s nothing else that you can do to make it go down any easier.”

Lying to soften rejection at the breakup

Of course, both sexes use the clichéd “It’s not you, it’s me” to effect a breakup with minimal drama and hurt.

Withholding the truth to maintain privacy

The HuffPo article The Lies You Should Tell When Dating  recommends withholding some truths when it comes to past relationships. When asked about previous sexual partners or the timeline of her last relationship, the writer explicitly declines to answer the question. This is perfectly fair – the inquiring party is free to judge her unwillingness to share, but is not entitled to that information.

Generally, if a person is worried about the sexual experience of the other party, it’s not a match. (Or rather, it’s a sociosexuality mismatch.)

Lying to smooth out sex

Let’s not forget lies during sex:

70% lied out of empathy (however misguided!). And it’s not just women – according to one survey, 21% of straight men admitted to faking orgasms.

Lying to self

Finally, there are the lies we tell ourselves. We celebrate the reluctant commitment we wheedled out of the guy we know would prefer FWB. We pretend that the emotionally unavailable grump is learning to trust us and that the slight uptick in intimacy will last forever. Or that the guy who cheated on his ex is not the type to cheat on us.

But it can be really, really difficult to know what’s true.

Ultimately, I think we should go through the world being as kind as we possibly can. Sometimes that means telling white lies.

“You’re a beautiful bride!”

“That’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen!”

“Fine, thanks, how are you?”

When kindness today means greater pain for that person later, then the white lie is a selfish act designed to make your own life easier.

“I’m not seeing anyone else at the moment.” (But I hope to this week.)

“I really like you a lot, I think this is a game changer.” (The game will be up once we have sex.)

“It’s not like that, we’re just friends at the office.” (But if I can convince her to dump her boyfriend, I wanna hit that.)

Famous quotes about white lies tend to be pretty negative:

This is a joke, right?

What are your personal guidelines and boundaries? How do you protect yourself against lies? How do you protect others against a hurtful truth?

What would life be like if we told no white lies or always shared the truth?

The post White Lies and Well Being appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1652701246) } [4]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(45) "4 Awkward Dating Moments & How To Handle Them" ["link"]=> string(82) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/11/4-awkward-dating-moments-how-to-handle-them/" ["comments"]=> string(90) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/11/4-awkward-dating-moments-how-to-handle-them/#respond" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 11 Apr 2022 15:13:25 +0000" ["category"]=> string(52) "Dating AdviceAWKWARD DATEdatingdating tipsfirst date" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=8677" ["description"]=> string(626) "

It sucks when something awkward happens on an otherwise enjoyable date. We’ve all been there! You’re out with a new crush who you’ve been excited about for awhile and then something cringeworthy happens to possibly kill any relationship potential. Here are 4 awkward dating moments and 4 ways to avoid or recover from them with […]

The post 4 Awkward Dating Moments & How To Handle Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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It sucks when something awkward happens on an otherwise enjoyable date. We’ve all been there! You’re out with a new crush who you’ve been excited about for awhile and then something cringeworthy happens to possibly kill any relationship potential. Here are 4 awkward dating moments and 4 ways to avoid or recover from them with class…

1. Bad Breath & B.O.

Nobody is 100% fresh as a daisy all of the time, but there’s a huge difference between someone smelling not-so-fresh and someone’s smell making you feel nauseous. If you find yourself on a date or in an intimate situation with a potential love-interest who isn’t fresh as a daisy, it’s super important to offer a solution not just a criticism in regards to their B.O. For bad breath, offer gum or a mint and have one yourself to avoid any awkwardness. For bad body odor, if you’re on a daytime date and doing something active like hiking, your date will probably sweat and possibly smell. You’re working out for goodness sake! Go on a non-active date with them to see if their smell is still offensive. During a sexy scenario, mention that you don’t feel your freshest, so you’re going to take a quick shower then offer one to your partner if they’d like one. You could also suggest sharing one together. Including yourself (and your potential B.O.) in any of these scenarios will lessen any awkwardness. Also consider that you might not have chemistry with your love-interest if you don’t like their smell. When we really like someone, even their bad smells aren’t that bad. If you do like your potential love-interest, and especially if you’d like to see them again, do your best to avoid making them feel bad about any B.O. issues.

2. Bad Manners

Bad manners are the worst! If your love-interest is rude to the waitstaff during a dinner date, for example, mention a personal connection to show why it’s important for you to be friendly and polite. Maybe you were a server and you remember how you were treated or maybe you are friends with the waitstaff at that particular restaurant. You having a personal connection to the person or people your love-interest might be being rude to, should hopefully make them more aware of their less than polite behavior. Though being rude to others is annoying, being rude to you directly is an absolute no-no! Don’t waste your time, energy, or money with someone who doesn’t respect you. If he or she has bad manners on early dates, their behavior is unlikely to improve as your relationship progresses.

3. Going in for a kiss and getting a hug

This has happened to the best of us! It’s the end of your date. You had a great time but aren’t quite sure if your potential love-interest in interested.

If you are not interested in a goodnight kiss and would rather a hug goodbye, approach with your arms out and head turned to the side so it’s clearer how you’d like to end the evening. If you are interested in a smooch, direct eye contact and arms down at your sides, holding your love-interest’s hand, or reaching out to touch his or her face are good signals to send out.

4. Running into an ex with your date

Especially if you live in a small town or the same neighborhood, it’s very possible that you might run into an ex while you and a new love-interest are out and about in your city. Rather than abruptly turning around and run-walking to the nearest exit, simply say a quick hello and introduce your new love-interest by name without any titles attached. If you’re trying to avoid drama, there’s no need to rub dating details in your ex’s face….. they can see that you’re with someone new. Pretending like you and your ex didn’t see each other can be ridiculous when you know you’ve made eye-contact and especially if you’re standing next to each other.

These 4 awkward scenarios can make or break the potential for a hot new relationship, but if you play your cards right and treat your love-interest with kindness, you’re well on your way to more fun and less awkward dating times!

The post 4 Awkward Dating Moments & How To Handle Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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It sucks when something awkward happens on an otherwise enjoyable date. We’ve all been there! You’re out with a new crush who you’ve been excited about for awhile and then something cringeworthy happens to possibly kill any relationship potential. Here are 4 awkward dating moments and 4 ways to avoid or recover from them with […]

The post 4 Awkward Dating Moments & How To Handle Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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It sucks when something awkward happens on an otherwise enjoyable date. We’ve all been there! You’re out with a new crush who you’ve been excited about for awhile and then something cringeworthy happens to possibly kill any relationship potential. Here are 4 awkward dating moments and 4 ways to avoid or recover from them with class…

1. Bad Breath & B.O.

Nobody is 100% fresh as a daisy all of the time, but there’s a huge difference between someone smelling not-so-fresh and someone’s smell making you feel nauseous. If you find yourself on a date or in an intimate situation with a potential love-interest who isn’t fresh as a daisy, it’s super important to offer a solution not just a criticism in regards to their B.O. For bad breath, offer gum or a mint and have one yourself to avoid any awkwardness. For bad body odor, if you’re on a daytime date and doing something active like hiking, your date will probably sweat and possibly smell. You’re working out for goodness sake! Go on a non-active date with them to see if their smell is still offensive. During a sexy scenario, mention that you don’t feel your freshest, so you’re going to take a quick shower then offer one to your partner if they’d like one. You could also suggest sharing one together. Including yourself (and your potential B.O.) in any of these scenarios will lessen any awkwardness. Also consider that you might not have chemistry with your love-interest if you don’t like their smell. When we really like someone, even their bad smells aren’t that bad. If you do like your potential love-interest, and especially if you’d like to see them again, do your best to avoid making them feel bad about any B.O. issues.

2. Bad Manners

Bad manners are the worst! If your love-interest is rude to the waitstaff during a dinner date, for example, mention a personal connection to show why it’s important for you to be friendly and polite. Maybe you were a server and you remember how you were treated or maybe you are friends with the waitstaff at that particular restaurant. You having a personal connection to the person or people your love-interest might be being rude to, should hopefully make them more aware of their less than polite behavior. Though being rude to others is annoying, being rude to you directly is an absolute no-no! Don’t waste your time, energy, or money with someone who doesn’t respect you. If he or she has bad manners on early dates, their behavior is unlikely to improve as your relationship progresses.

3. Going in for a kiss and getting a hug

This has happened to the best of us! It’s the end of your date. You had a great time but aren’t quite sure if your potential love-interest in interested.

If you are not interested in a goodnight kiss and would rather a hug goodbye, approach with your arms out and head turned to the side so it’s clearer how you’d like to end the evening. If you are interested in a smooch, direct eye contact and arms down at your sides, holding your love-interest’s hand, or reaching out to touch his or her face are good signals to send out.

4. Running into an ex with your date

Especially if you live in a small town or the same neighborhood, it’s very possible that you might run into an ex while you and a new love-interest are out and about in your city. Rather than abruptly turning around and run-walking to the nearest exit, simply say a quick hello and introduce your new love-interest by name without any titles attached. If you’re trying to avoid drama, there’s no need to rub dating details in your ex’s face….. they can see that you’re with someone new. Pretending like you and your ex didn’t see each other can be ridiculous when you know you’ve made eye-contact and especially if you’re standing next to each other.

These 4 awkward scenarios can make or break the potential for a hot new relationship, but if you play your cards right and treat your love-interest with kindness, you’re well on your way to more fun and less awkward dating times!

The post 4 Awkward Dating Moments & How To Handle Them appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1649690005) } [5]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(58) "Be The Girl That Wants A Man But Doesn’t Really Need One" ["link"]=> string(94) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/04/be-the-girl-that-wants-a-man-but-doesnt-really-need-one/" ["comments"]=> string(102) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/04/be-the-girl-that-wants-a-man-but-doesnt-really-need-one/#respond" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(10) "Sarah Hill" } ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 04 Apr 2022 15:49:39 +0000" ["category"]=> string(104) "Dating AdviceAdvice for Girlsadvice for womenBuild Self Esteemdatingdating advice for womenrelationships" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=8668" ["description"]=> string(640) "

Almost all women have the most loving and giving intentions when it comes to starting new relationship. So when a man pulls away or “drifts” a woman will usually go to her first conclusion. “What did I do wrong”? You feel like he’s lost that loving feeling. He might start to withdraw, appear to be losing interest. […]

The post Be The Girl That Wants A Man But Doesn’t Really Need One appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(6275) "

Almost all women have the most loving and giving intentions when it comes to starting new relationship. So when a man pulls away or “drifts” a woman will usually go to her first conclusion. “What did I do wrong”?

You feel like he’s lost that loving feeling. He might start to withdraw, appear to be losing interest. Ultimately, the relationship decays. The more you try to revive it, the more distant he becomes and now you’re straight up chasing it. You’re no longer cute – you are annoying as hell, and that quirky adorableness has worn off.

I know that you don’t want to be needy.

You end up being needy because you don’t even realize that’s what you are doing. Neediness usually comes from a void within you– which you think a man can fill with his presence. You begin to wager your happiness and a sense of self-worth against him being in your life. Bad gamble. If you don’t determine your worth, someone else will definitely take a stab at it. You will be very hard-pressed to change a man’s mind after he thinks you’re a whiny, needy nuisance.

In case your mama didn’t tell you the one basic “man rule” of attraction; I will. If you are coming from a place of needing a man and desperation, then you will smother and eventually murder the attraction a man once had for you. There is no relationship CPR that can save it. Ask any man and he will verify that.

Other women will tell you that neediness has to come in the form of hardcore whining, or demanding his affection and time. Go back to that same guy and he will tell you this is not true. While those behaviors are certainly of the needy variety, it doesn’t always have to be something so overt.

Neediness can be displayed many ways:

1. Always available at the drop of a text

2. Ditching your friends to be with him

3. Showering him with little gifts, affections, or favors

4. Moving too fast in the feelings or “where is this going” department

5. Always chasing or trying to make plans and not allowing him to chase

A man sees all of this as you needing, not wanting him to reciprocate feelings. Essentially you are forcing yourself on him and you are so caught up in your own feelings, that you’re ignorant to how it’s being received on his end. Without realizing it, you are both keeping score with two totally different point systems. Your neediness is not winning him over. In fact it’s driving him away. If he’s a player, he will take every gift, allow every favor and give almost nothing in return.

Pay very close attention to what and how much comes back to you and weigh that against what you are doing. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and he’s decent– he’ll just dump you. Side note: If this happens a lot to you, getting dumped, you might want to think about your past relationship behaviors. Like immediately sister.

Be the girl that wants a man but doesn’t really need one

Don’t make him the center of your attention and universe. That should be self-explanatory. If you have to think about it, call a therapist STAT.

Fill your life with authentic people and experiences that are separate from him. Completely and utterly self-fulfilling that in no way requires his presence.

Do not front as the cool chick to get him, just so you can revert back to needy girl in a few months. If you have to fake who you are to get him, be prepared to keep that up, forever. Sounds exhausting right? Yeah, no shit. Just be you and your own kind of cool chick. Your vibe will attract the right man.

Last but not least, you need to be “lose-able”

Always remember that you are single. You are not locked into an exclusive relationship until he acts like he is IN a relationship with you and that conversation happens. Why do you think most pro athletes become free agents? They know that the right team will come to them with the sweetest and biggest offer, if they think there’s a chance someone else will snatch them up.

It just is what it is. You simply keeping doing you and if he wants a place on the team, trust me you will know. A man will do everything in his power to keep you if he truly wants to be in a relationship with you. There is absolutely never any guesswork involved.

There is no waiting for him to get his shit together or get over that ex. There is no work pressure or personal demand that could ever keep a man away when he wants you. Anything beyond in or out is an excuse. Do not chase any man that doesn’t give equal or greater chase! You’re better than that.

The post Be The Girl That Wants A Man But Doesn’t Really Need One appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(99) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/04/be-the-girl-that-wants-a-man-but-doesnt-really-need-one/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(640) "

Almost all women have the most loving and giving intentions when it comes to starting new relationship. So when a man pulls away or “drifts” a woman will usually go to her first conclusion. “What did I do wrong”? You feel like he’s lost that loving feeling. He might start to withdraw, appear to be losing interest. […]

The post Be The Girl That Wants A Man But Doesn’t Really Need One appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(6275) "

Almost all women have the most loving and giving intentions when it comes to starting new relationship. So when a man pulls away or “drifts” a woman will usually go to her first conclusion. “What did I do wrong”?

You feel like he’s lost that loving feeling. He might start to withdraw, appear to be losing interest. Ultimately, the relationship decays. The more you try to revive it, the more distant he becomes and now you’re straight up chasing it. You’re no longer cute – you are annoying as hell, and that quirky adorableness has worn off.

I know that you don’t want to be needy.

You end up being needy because you don’t even realize that’s what you are doing. Neediness usually comes from a void within you– which you think a man can fill with his presence. You begin to wager your happiness and a sense of self-worth against him being in your life. Bad gamble. If you don’t determine your worth, someone else will definitely take a stab at it. You will be very hard-pressed to change a man’s mind after he thinks you’re a whiny, needy nuisance.

In case your mama didn’t tell you the one basic “man rule” of attraction; I will. If you are coming from a place of needing a man and desperation, then you will smother and eventually murder the attraction a man once had for you. There is no relationship CPR that can save it. Ask any man and he will verify that.

Other women will tell you that neediness has to come in the form of hardcore whining, or demanding his affection and time. Go back to that same guy and he will tell you this is not true. While those behaviors are certainly of the needy variety, it doesn’t always have to be something so overt.

Neediness can be displayed many ways:

1. Always available at the drop of a text

2. Ditching your friends to be with him

3. Showering him with little gifts, affections, or favors

4. Moving too fast in the feelings or “where is this going” department

5. Always chasing or trying to make plans and not allowing him to chase

A man sees all of this as you needing, not wanting him to reciprocate feelings. Essentially you are forcing yourself on him and you are so caught up in your own feelings, that you’re ignorant to how it’s being received on his end. Without realizing it, you are both keeping score with two totally different point systems. Your neediness is not winning him over. In fact it’s driving him away. If he’s a player, he will take every gift, allow every favor and give almost nothing in return.

Pay very close attention to what and how much comes back to you and weigh that against what you are doing. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and he’s decent– he’ll just dump you. Side note: If this happens a lot to you, getting dumped, you might want to think about your past relationship behaviors. Like immediately sister.

Be the girl that wants a man but doesn’t really need one

Don’t make him the center of your attention and universe. That should be self-explanatory. If you have to think about it, call a therapist STAT.

Fill your life with authentic people and experiences that are separate from him. Completely and utterly self-fulfilling that in no way requires his presence.

Do not front as the cool chick to get him, just so you can revert back to needy girl in a few months. If you have to fake who you are to get him, be prepared to keep that up, forever. Sounds exhausting right? Yeah, no shit. Just be you and your own kind of cool chick. Your vibe will attract the right man.

Last but not least, you need to be “lose-able”

Always remember that you are single. You are not locked into an exclusive relationship until he acts like he is IN a relationship with you and that conversation happens. Why do you think most pro athletes become free agents? They know that the right team will come to them with the sweetest and biggest offer, if they think there’s a chance someone else will snatch them up.

It just is what it is. You simply keeping doing you and if he wants a place on the team, trust me you will know. A man will do everything in his power to keep you if he truly wants to be in a relationship with you. There is absolutely never any guesswork involved.

There is no waiting for him to get his shit together or get over that ex. There is no work pressure or personal demand that could ever keep a man away when he wants you. Anything beyond in or out is an excuse. Do not chase any man that doesn’t give equal or greater chase! You’re better than that.

The post Be The Girl That Wants A Man But Doesn’t Really Need One appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1649087379) } [6]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(29) "First Date… Table for Three" ["link"]=> string(65) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/04/first-date-table-for-three/" ["comments"]=> string(73) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/04/first-date-table-for-three/#respond" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(10) "Andrew Tch" } ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 04 Apr 2022 15:37:13 +0000" ["category"]=> string(55) "Dating Advicedate is overdatingExtabel for threeyour Ex" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=8665" ["description"]=> string(589) "

We’ve all experienced that wonderful feeling of a great nineteen. You know… the first nineteen minutes of meeting your date and the spark that comes with it. By the fifth minute the hostess is seating you at a perfect table and by minute nine you’re ordering a cocktail. The next couple minutes bring some witty banter and by […]

The post First Date… Table for Three appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(3917) "

We’ve all experienced that wonderful feeling of a great nineteen. You know… the first nineteen minutes of meeting your date and the spark that comes with it. By the fifth minute the hostess is seating you at a perfect table and by minute nine you’re ordering a cocktail. The next couple minutes bring some witty banter and by the 15 the minute you’re sipping a Tanqueray and Tonic, looking at your date and thinking to yourself, “Wow… cute and can converse… score!”

Everything is splendid until the seconds approaching the twenty-minute mark. Somehow the conversation leads your date to respond with a sentence that brings the date to a screeching halt. The verbal slamming of the breaks that brings about the dead stop are a combination of the following…”my Ex”, “my breakup” or “my past relationship”.

And with just one sentence, you pull up a chair for an unexpected, worst kind of third wheel- the EXtra wheel.

Mentioning your Ex on a first date is the equivalent to taking a fire hose to a birthday cake. The flame goes out, the cake gets soggy and there’s no longer a chance for a wish. Recently I was on a date and experienced the EXtra Wheel, and the conversation was a textbook reminder why bringing up the Ex on a first date is the wrong move:

Your new date doesn’t need a visual of your Ex.

My date gave me a play-by- play description of his Ex, coming just shy of showing me a photo. Seems the EXtra wheel on my date was 34, Indian, skinny, hairless and quiet. I’m sure he’s quite handsome, but as a 51-year old white guy with muscles, hairy chest and a mouth that sometimes works all too well, I wondered why on Earth he’s even attracted to me. Knowing the appearance of your date’s past before you even start a first memory with them is not the best of beginnings.

Hearing about how your date processes a breakup before you even make out is just wrong.

A first date kicks off the discovery phase, and it doesn’t need to begin with failed relationships of the past. Hearing a sad story, an angry tale, or even a narrative of a civil ending isn’t the way to begin something new.

Mentioning your Ex on a #firstdate is the same as taking a fire hose to a birthday cake….

It’s a big neon sign saying your date isn’t over it.

Going into great detail about your Ex on a first date is perhaps the biggest red flag. Their thoughts and focus is on the past and not the present. It illuminates how your date isn’t ready to begin a new chapter with a new co-star.

When your date pulls out the EXtra chair, your best line of polite defense it to immediately change topics. If your date refers back to the EXtra chair, give the change of topic defense one more try. A third time brings your absolute right to say, “Let’s not discuss the Ex, ok? I’d rather discuss you!”.

With your polite defensive move, the party of three should go back to a party of two. However, there’s always the chance that if your date isn’t over the past and will likely shut down, bringing about the end of your date sooner than later. If that happens, wish them the best in their dating adventures and move onto the next opportunity. Chances are there’s a date on your horizon who’s more than happy to enjoy a table for two and a 21 st minute that’s all about a party of two.

The post First Date… Table for Three appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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We’ve all experienced that wonderful feeling of a great nineteen. You know… the first nineteen minutes of meeting your date and the spark that comes with it. By the fifth minute the hostess is seating you at a perfect table and by minute nine you’re ordering a cocktail. The next couple minutes bring some witty banter and by […]

The post First Date… Table for Three appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(3917) "

We’ve all experienced that wonderful feeling of a great nineteen. You know… the first nineteen minutes of meeting your date and the spark that comes with it. By the fifth minute the hostess is seating you at a perfect table and by minute nine you’re ordering a cocktail. The next couple minutes bring some witty banter and by the 15 the minute you’re sipping a Tanqueray and Tonic, looking at your date and thinking to yourself, “Wow… cute and can converse… score!”

Everything is splendid until the seconds approaching the twenty-minute mark. Somehow the conversation leads your date to respond with a sentence that brings the date to a screeching halt. The verbal slamming of the breaks that brings about the dead stop are a combination of the following…”my Ex”, “my breakup” or “my past relationship”.

And with just one sentence, you pull up a chair for an unexpected, worst kind of third wheel- the EXtra wheel.

Mentioning your Ex on a first date is the equivalent to taking a fire hose to a birthday cake. The flame goes out, the cake gets soggy and there’s no longer a chance for a wish. Recently I was on a date and experienced the EXtra Wheel, and the conversation was a textbook reminder why bringing up the Ex on a first date is the wrong move:

Your new date doesn’t need a visual of your Ex.

My date gave me a play-by- play description of his Ex, coming just shy of showing me a photo. Seems the EXtra wheel on my date was 34, Indian, skinny, hairless and quiet. I’m sure he’s quite handsome, but as a 51-year old white guy with muscles, hairy chest and a mouth that sometimes works all too well, I wondered why on Earth he’s even attracted to me. Knowing the appearance of your date’s past before you even start a first memory with them is not the best of beginnings.

Hearing about how your date processes a breakup before you even make out is just wrong.

A first date kicks off the discovery phase, and it doesn’t need to begin with failed relationships of the past. Hearing a sad story, an angry tale, or even a narrative of a civil ending isn’t the way to begin something new.

Mentioning your Ex on a #firstdate is the same as taking a fire hose to a birthday cake….

It’s a big neon sign saying your date isn’t over it.

Going into great detail about your Ex on a first date is perhaps the biggest red flag. Their thoughts and focus is on the past and not the present. It illuminates how your date isn’t ready to begin a new chapter with a new co-star.

When your date pulls out the EXtra chair, your best line of polite defense it to immediately change topics. If your date refers back to the EXtra chair, give the change of topic defense one more try. A third time brings your absolute right to say, “Let’s not discuss the Ex, ok? I’d rather discuss you!”.

With your polite defensive move, the party of three should go back to a party of two. However, there’s always the chance that if your date isn’t over the past and will likely shut down, bringing about the end of your date sooner than later. If that happens, wish them the best in their dating adventures and move onto the next opportunity. Chances are there’s a date on your horizon who’s more than happy to enjoy a table for two and a 21 st minute that’s all about a party of two.

The post First Date… Table for Three appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1649086633) } [7]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(59) "Ghosting, The Social Contagion of the Millennial Generation" ["link"]=> string(97) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/04/ghosting-the-social-contagion-of-the-millennial-generation/" ["comments"]=> string(105) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/04/ghosting-the-social-contagion-of-the-millennial-generation/#respond" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(10) "Andrew Tch" } ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 04 Apr 2022 15:31:37 +0000" ["category"]=> string(60) "Dating AdvicedatingGhostingmillennial generationRelationship" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=8661" ["description"]=> string(585) "

You get home from a lovely night out, and you smile as you recall the night’s events. Maybe, just maybe, you found someone who could end up being the One. A few days later, you send a text so he or she knows you were thinking of them. “Hey, you. I had a great time […]

The post Ghosting, The Social Contagion of the Millennial Generation appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(7129) "

You get home from a lovely night out, and you smile as you recall the night’s events. Maybe, just maybe, you found someone who could end up being the One.

A few days later, you send a text so he or she knows you were thinking of them.

“Hey, you. I had a great time the other night. Would you like to go out again sometime?”

Simple, right? No strings attached. No expectations. Just an innocent desire to connect to another soul. Anyone in a getting-to-know-each-other or dating relationship is familiar with this message.

But it goes unanswered. What the heck?! Everything went fine! I mean, he or she seemed nice… Not the type to disappear. What happened??? …They could’ve said something.

The sad truth is this is all too common in the 21st century as technology becomes more commonplace. Online dating service Loveawake released a shocking survey highlighting the millennial’s struggle with ghosting. Of 800 single users aged 18-33, 78 percent reported they were a ghosting victim at least once by “someone they were dating (who) suddenly ceased all communication without an explanation.”

Additionally, an investigation from Elle found equally surprising data. A poll of 185 young daters’ dating habits (65 percent of which were female) showed both men and women were just as likely to be the cowardly culprits.

Sarah Braun, an MSW student at California State University, Long Beach, and past victim, believes ghosting emerged as the popularity of online dating increased and meeting people in public settings decreased. The dynamic between the two created a lapse in social responsibility, making avoidance, and consequently hurting feelings, much easier.

“Those who ghost tend to do so to avoid confrontation, feeling negative emotions, or causing another person emotional pain,” Braun said. “Everyone is affected differently. Common feelings victims experience are confusion, uncertainty, hurt, and anger. Those who are ghosted lack closure and are often left with many unanswered questions.”

At a time in history when technology is more advanced than ever, today’s generation has an astronomical amount of information at its fingertips. As millennials, we can find solutions to today’s problems and build connections to places and people, many of which our parents and grandparents never dreamt possible. So, it begs the question: why do we, as enlightened and mindful and capable of greatness as we are, find such a damaging and viral phenomenon like ghosting even mildly acceptable?

“Such behaviour leads to the objectivization and even harsher behaviours toward others,” said Michael Southerland, MS, LMFT. “Also, it leads to avoidance of simple courtesy that is so lacking in many areas. Breaking up with someone face to face helps accept responsibility for ourselves and our relationships.”

So, how do we proceed, if we are to end this phenomenon once and for all?

“Communication is key,” Braun said. “Being honest and direct about your interest and intentions is the best way to combat (ghosting). Having this conversation may be uncomfortable, but this momentary discomfort is an act of respect for the person. It provides the person with the closure needed to let go and move on.”

But what about the rest of society, not just with you and me and the people with whom we come into contact?

“If I were treating someone who engages in ghosting, I would do my best to help them see the consequences of their behavior has on others,” Southerland said. “Acceptance of responsibility for them is the key to stopping the behavior and making them more responsible and their relationships. Thus, they would become happier individuals.”

Andrea Bolduc, another ghosting victim and a health services professional in Orange County, Calif., believes going back to more traditional dating methods would erase the stain ghosting has on dating in today’s generation. Being honest and upfront, she says, isn’t enough because honesty isn’t always objective through a digital medium.

“You can be anyone you want on online dating,” Bolduc said. “Both men and women can say whatever the other person wants to hear. We should go back to meeting in coffee shops or in public places than being behind a screen.”

New research from Loveawake backs up her premise. A poll of 3,000 users aged 21 to 65 found that weddings might be the answer for many not having luck with online dating. Nearly 52% said weddings are great for hooking up because “it’s easy to start a conversation” while 7.8 percent said “there’s no commitment required.”

Additionally, while only 18 percent said they had hooked up at a wedding, nearly 88 percent of those respondents said it was at a wedding for a friend or relative. What seems hopeful is 15.7 percent of hookup respondents said they’d gone on to have a relationship.

Millennials, this is your personal service announcement: if you’re single and thinking about or participating in online dating, consider deleting your apps and meeting people organically when you’re not at home. Look for mixers or meetups based around hobbies or interests. Go out to your favorite place and scout for someone who catches your eye. Or better yet, dust off your dress or suit and attend a wedding. Be the real you, and you might meet someone worth your time and feelings.

HOW TO GIVE UP THE GHOSTING GAMBIT 

The post Ghosting, The Social Contagion of the Millennial Generation appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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You get home from a lovely night out, and you smile as you recall the night’s events. Maybe, just maybe, you found someone who could end up being the One. A few days later, you send a text so he or she knows you were thinking of them. “Hey, you. I had a great time […]

The post Ghosting, The Social Contagion of the Millennial Generation appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(7129) "

You get home from a lovely night out, and you smile as you recall the night’s events. Maybe, just maybe, you found someone who could end up being the One.

A few days later, you send a text so he or she knows you were thinking of them.

“Hey, you. I had a great time the other night. Would you like to go out again sometime?”

Simple, right? No strings attached. No expectations. Just an innocent desire to connect to another soul. Anyone in a getting-to-know-each-other or dating relationship is familiar with this message.

But it goes unanswered. What the heck?! Everything went fine! I mean, he or she seemed nice… Not the type to disappear. What happened??? …They could’ve said something.

The sad truth is this is all too common in the 21st century as technology becomes more commonplace. Online dating service Loveawake released a shocking survey highlighting the millennial’s struggle with ghosting. Of 800 single users aged 18-33, 78 percent reported they were a ghosting victim at least once by “someone they were dating (who) suddenly ceased all communication without an explanation.”

Additionally, an investigation from Elle found equally surprising data. A poll of 185 young daters’ dating habits (65 percent of which were female) showed both men and women were just as likely to be the cowardly culprits.

Sarah Braun, an MSW student at California State University, Long Beach, and past victim, believes ghosting emerged as the popularity of online dating increased and meeting people in public settings decreased. The dynamic between the two created a lapse in social responsibility, making avoidance, and consequently hurting feelings, much easier.

“Those who ghost tend to do so to avoid confrontation, feeling negative emotions, or causing another person emotional pain,” Braun said. “Everyone is affected differently. Common feelings victims experience are confusion, uncertainty, hurt, and anger. Those who are ghosted lack closure and are often left with many unanswered questions.”

At a time in history when technology is more advanced than ever, today’s generation has an astronomical amount of information at its fingertips. As millennials, we can find solutions to today’s problems and build connections to places and people, many of which our parents and grandparents never dreamt possible. So, it begs the question: why do we, as enlightened and mindful and capable of greatness as we are, find such a damaging and viral phenomenon like ghosting even mildly acceptable?

“Such behaviour leads to the objectivization and even harsher behaviours toward others,” said Michael Southerland, MS, LMFT. “Also, it leads to avoidance of simple courtesy that is so lacking in many areas. Breaking up with someone face to face helps accept responsibility for ourselves and our relationships.”

So, how do we proceed, if we are to end this phenomenon once and for all?

“Communication is key,” Braun said. “Being honest and direct about your interest and intentions is the best way to combat (ghosting). Having this conversation may be uncomfortable, but this momentary discomfort is an act of respect for the person. It provides the person with the closure needed to let go and move on.”

But what about the rest of society, not just with you and me and the people with whom we come into contact?

“If I were treating someone who engages in ghosting, I would do my best to help them see the consequences of their behavior has on others,” Southerland said. “Acceptance of responsibility for them is the key to stopping the behavior and making them more responsible and their relationships. Thus, they would become happier individuals.”

Andrea Bolduc, another ghosting victim and a health services professional in Orange County, Calif., believes going back to more traditional dating methods would erase the stain ghosting has on dating in today’s generation. Being honest and upfront, she says, isn’t enough because honesty isn’t always objective through a digital medium.

“You can be anyone you want on online dating,” Bolduc said. “Both men and women can say whatever the other person wants to hear. We should go back to meeting in coffee shops or in public places than being behind a screen.”

New research from Loveawake backs up her premise. A poll of 3,000 users aged 21 to 65 found that weddings might be the answer for many not having luck with online dating. Nearly 52% said weddings are great for hooking up because “it’s easy to start a conversation” while 7.8 percent said “there’s no commitment required.”

Additionally, while only 18 percent said they had hooked up at a wedding, nearly 88 percent of those respondents said it was at a wedding for a friend or relative. What seems hopeful is 15.7 percent of hookup respondents said they’d gone on to have a relationship.

Millennials, this is your personal service announcement: if you’re single and thinking about or participating in online dating, consider deleting your apps and meeting people organically when you’re not at home. Look for mixers or meetups based around hobbies or interests. Go out to your favorite place and scout for someone who catches your eye. Or better yet, dust off your dress or suit and attend a wedding. Be the real you, and you might meet someone worth your time and feelings.

HOW TO GIVE UP THE GHOSTING GAMBIT 

The post Ghosting, The Social Contagion of the Millennial Generation appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1649086297) } [8]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(50) "Selecting an Outfit for a First Date: Tips for Men" ["link"]=> string(88) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/04/02/selecting-an-outfit-for-a-first-date-tips-for-men/" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(13) "J. T. Ellison" } ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Sat, 02 Apr 2022 16:16:20 +0000" ["category"]=> string(57) "Relationship AdviceCulturesFirst Date ImpressionsLocation" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4387" ["description"]=> string(633) "

Meeting that lovely lady, or gent, for the first time, brings butterflies in the stomach. This is a wonderful feeling, to be complemented with the right outfits, and right first impressions. These impressions need to be lasting. It means showing up in a suit may not always make the impression sought.  First Date Impressions Picture […]

The post Selecting an Outfit for a First Date: Tips for Men appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(5145) "

Meeting that lovely lady, or gent, for the first time, brings butterflies in the stomach. This is a wonderful feeling, to be complemented with the right outfits, and right first impressions. These impressions need to be lasting. It means showing up in a suit may not always make the impression sought. 

First Date Impressions

Picture a first date in the form of a picnic; there would be no need to show up in a suit. However, if you just got out of the office, it is understandable. Pretending to be someone else is annoying, and a suit only works at five-star hotels. If at the beach, grab clean shorts and swim trunks – not speedos. As you check out dating website reviews, you realize women prefer well-groomed men to men with borrowed suits. Here are some handy tips for men for that first date

Location 

Plan to impress her with a five-star meal?  Wear something fitting. If you visit a five-star hotel, khakis, a dress shirt and decent cologne work fine. Shorts remind her of boys in reality shows or surf buddies. It is unimpressive. Worse yet, it implies you aren’t cultured enough for her. Check out tips for dressing on dating website reviews; ask the ladies for dressing tips before showing up on a date. 

Cultures 

Most men love tee shirts. This isn’t problematic until you begin wearing politically-oriented tees. These may not boast profanity, but on a first date, it is ill-advised. If you cannot find something cute to wear, grab a clean, plain t-shirt. Letting her in your political affiliations, or hatred of certain parties is the worst first impression ever. Stick to donning clean shirts, with no impressions.  It might be the last time you see a lady if you decide to don her country flag colors – they will not be impressed. 

How about What to Avoid?

Certain styles came and went, and if you still entertain them, it might be time for a makeover. 

Baggy Jeans 

Do not, under any circumstances, wear baggy anything. Boy bands and gangsta rappers put these styles on the map decades ago, and they were put to rest then too. These styles can only imply one’s immaturity. Try bringing sexy back using other means. After reading dating website reviews, you realize most ladies prefer well-groomed men, wearing fitting outfits. 

Jewelry 

It may seem hard to swallow, but showing off gold chains and a diamond earring, for a man, is played out and corny. The new age dictates that earrings remain on female ears. Chances are she doesn’t wear earrings or necklaces either. So, why would you be the female in the relationship?

Celebrity Fads 

Certain trends pick up as soon as celebrities embrace them, but many should remain with celebs. Most high-profile celebrities can wear almost anything, and get away with it. This is not the case for regular folks. Rappers and pop stars have trends that should be avoided at all costs. These can be large hats, ridiculous shoes, and custom-made outfits fit for indoors, nowhere else. 

Nakedness 

Men don’t always wear skimpy outfits, but there are isolated incidents. These include leaving the house in a wife-beater, small shorts, and sometimes in shirts with the chest open. Not everyone appreciates an open-chest shirt, and some ladies might find it offensive, or vain. Stick to covering up at all times, unless she asks to see some skin. 

Although this list is not exhaustive, it covers the nitty-gritty of what to focus on, and especially what to avoid. If the first date is with a lady from a different culture, focus on keeping things simple, and plain. Vibrant colors could insinuate something offensive. 

The post Selecting an Outfit for a First Date: Tips for Men appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" } ["summary"]=> string(633) "

Meeting that lovely lady, or gent, for the first time, brings butterflies in the stomach. This is a wonderful feeling, to be complemented with the right outfits, and right first impressions. These impressions need to be lasting. It means showing up in a suit may not always make the impression sought.  First Date Impressions Picture […]

The post Selecting an Outfit for a First Date: Tips for Men appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(5145) "

Meeting that lovely lady, or gent, for the first time, brings butterflies in the stomach. This is a wonderful feeling, to be complemented with the right outfits, and right first impressions. These impressions need to be lasting. It means showing up in a suit may not always make the impression sought. 

First Date Impressions

Picture a first date in the form of a picnic; there would be no need to show up in a suit. However, if you just got out of the office, it is understandable. Pretending to be someone else is annoying, and a suit only works at five-star hotels. If at the beach, grab clean shorts and swim trunks – not speedos. As you check out dating website reviews, you realize women prefer well-groomed men to men with borrowed suits. Here are some handy tips for men for that first date

Location 

Plan to impress her with a five-star meal?  Wear something fitting. If you visit a five-star hotel, khakis, a dress shirt and decent cologne work fine. Shorts remind her of boys in reality shows or surf buddies. It is unimpressive. Worse yet, it implies you aren’t cultured enough for her. Check out tips for dressing on dating website reviews; ask the ladies for dressing tips before showing up on a date. 

Cultures 

Most men love tee shirts. This isn’t problematic until you begin wearing politically-oriented tees. These may not boast profanity, but on a first date, it is ill-advised. If you cannot find something cute to wear, grab a clean, plain t-shirt. Letting her in your political affiliations, or hatred of certain parties is the worst first impression ever. Stick to donning clean shirts, with no impressions.  It might be the last time you see a lady if you decide to don her country flag colors – they will not be impressed. 

How about What to Avoid?

Certain styles came and went, and if you still entertain them, it might be time for a makeover. 

Baggy Jeans 

Do not, under any circumstances, wear baggy anything. Boy bands and gangsta rappers put these styles on the map decades ago, and they were put to rest then too. These styles can only imply one’s immaturity. Try bringing sexy back using other means. After reading dating website reviews, you realize most ladies prefer well-groomed men, wearing fitting outfits. 

Jewelry 

It may seem hard to swallow, but showing off gold chains and a diamond earring, for a man, is played out and corny. The new age dictates that earrings remain on female ears. Chances are she doesn’t wear earrings or necklaces either. So, why would you be the female in the relationship?

Celebrity Fads 

Certain trends pick up as soon as celebrities embrace them, but many should remain with celebs. Most high-profile celebrities can wear almost anything, and get away with it. This is not the case for regular folks. Rappers and pop stars have trends that should be avoided at all costs. These can be large hats, ridiculous shoes, and custom-made outfits fit for indoors, nowhere else. 

Nakedness 

Men don’t always wear skimpy outfits, but there are isolated incidents. These include leaving the house in a wife-beater, small shorts, and sometimes in shirts with the chest open. Not everyone appreciates an open-chest shirt, and some ladies might find it offensive, or vain. Stick to covering up at all times, unless she asks to see some skin. 

Although this list is not exhaustive, it covers the nitty-gritty of what to focus on, and especially what to avoid. If the first date is with a lady from a different culture, focus on keeping things simple, and plain. Vibrant colors could insinuate something offensive. 

The post Selecting an Outfit for a First Date: Tips for Men appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1648916180) } [9]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(49) "Turning Dating Disappointments Into Opportunities" ["link"]=> string(88) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/03/28/turning-dating-disappointments-into-opportunities/" ["comments"]=> string(96) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2022/03/28/turning-dating-disappointments-into-opportunities/#respond" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(7) "Diana D" } ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 28 Mar 2022 15:13:55 +0000" ["category"]=> string(215) "Dating IssuesDating Advicedating advice for womendating coachdating disappointmentsdating like an entrepreneurdating problemsdating questionsneely steinbergRelationship adviceRelationship problemswomen entrepreneurs" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=8652" ["description"]=> string(655) "

Turning disappointments into opportunities may be one of the most difficult things for daters to do, because it requires one to move beyond their current circumstances and situations and imagine new and different possibilities. Recently, in my coaching business, I experienced a disappointment. I had been contacted by a reputable production company to be a […]

The post Turning Dating Disappointments Into Opportunities appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(6297) "

Turning disappointments into opportunities may be one of the most difficult things for daters to do, because it requires one to move beyond their current circumstances and situations and imagine new and different possibilities.

Recently, in my coaching business, I experienced a disappointment.

I had been contacted by a reputable production company to be a dating expert in a documentary. I had interviews and an in-person meeting with two of the producers, a chat with the director, and several back-and-forth emails.

We were all set to film and I was excited to make my television debut, when, a few hours before shooting, the producers emailed me to cancel. There would no longer be any filming with a dating expert.

I was crushed. This would have been great exposure for me and the coaching business that I’ve been trying hard to build. So what did I do with that frustration?

I could have lashed out at the producers; I could have taken their cancellation personally; I could have sworn off these types of opportunities forever.

Instead, I chose to look for the opportunity in my disappointment.

So I emailed both producers and told them that I totally understood, that “these things happen,” that if they were working on any future projects that needed a dating coach/expert to please think of me, that if they needed names of any other dating coaches/experts, I’d be happy to help.

You see what I did there?

While the current opportunity to be on camera didn’t pan out as I had hoped it would, as I had prepared for, perhaps there would be future opportunities for me now that I was on their radar and now that they saw I was a confident, thoughtful, gracious person.

Instead of getting bitter and resentful, I pivoted and went in a different, unexpected direction.

Maybe I’d hear from the producers; maybe not. But I made my chances a heck of a lot better by seeing the potential opportunity and acting accordingly rather than wallowing in my current circumstances.

During my single days, I had to pivot in similar ways in my dating and love life.

In my early to mid-twenties, when faced with disappointment, setbacks, or rejection, my typical response was to get angry.

I’d retreat behind my walls.

I’d grow bitter.

I’d swear off men and dating forever.

As I grew older, though, I realized those kind of defense mechanisms did little to help me. And so I started looking for the opportunities in my disappointments.

I can remember two different guys who I dated and liked but who told me they weren’t feeling the romantic spark. Instead of getting angry, I said that I understood, that sometimes you just don’t feel it with someone, that I enjoyed the time we spent together.

And I wished them well.

So surprised by my amiable reply to their rejections, they wrote back immediately and said they were actually second guessing what they had done and wondered if I would go out with them again.

You see what I did there?

These men saw a woman who was comfortable in her own skin, a woman who liked who she was, a woman who managed and communicated her emotions calmly and maturely.

And do you know what they both did? They ended up second guessing themselves! And just like that, they asked to see me again.

Another time, I went out twice with a guy I met on Match, but I wasn’t feeling the connection. I told him I had lots of single girlfriends and that we should remain friends. We stayed in touch, he invited me to a party he was having, and I met a guy at that party who I dated for a year.

So…what about you?

How can you turn your disappointments in your dating and love life into opportunities?

Maybe a man who rejects you has friends?

Maybe an event you go to that didn’t prove fruitful for your love life as you hoped it would introduced you to a new friend (which potentially opens up new social opportunities)?

Maybe a man you were dating who disappears on you gives you access to new, untapped self-knowledge?

There are all sorts of possibilities!

Remember: Your dating life is yours to create, build and shape, because you are a dating entrepreneur, a Love TREP, who sees opportunities everywhere, even, nay especially (!), in your disappoitnments.

Be Sociable, Share!

The post Turning Dating Disappointments Into Opportunities appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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Turning disappointments into opportunities may be one of the most difficult things for daters to do, because it requires one to move beyond their current circumstances and situations and imagine new and different possibilities. Recently, in my coaching business, I experienced a disappointment. I had been contacted by a reputable production company to be a […]

The post Turning Dating Disappointments Into Opportunities appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

" ["atom_content"]=> string(6297) "

Turning disappointments into opportunities may be one of the most difficult things for daters to do, because it requires one to move beyond their current circumstances and situations and imagine new and different possibilities.

Recently, in my coaching business, I experienced a disappointment.

I had been contacted by a reputable production company to be a dating expert in a documentary. I had interviews and an in-person meeting with two of the producers, a chat with the director, and several back-and-forth emails.

We were all set to film and I was excited to make my television debut, when, a few hours before shooting, the producers emailed me to cancel. There would no longer be any filming with a dating expert.

I was crushed. This would have been great exposure for me and the coaching business that I’ve been trying hard to build. So what did I do with that frustration?

I could have lashed out at the producers; I could have taken their cancellation personally; I could have sworn off these types of opportunities forever.

Instead, I chose to look for the opportunity in my disappointment.

So I emailed both producers and told them that I totally understood, that “these things happen,” that if they were working on any future projects that needed a dating coach/expert to please think of me, that if they needed names of any other dating coaches/experts, I’d be happy to help.

You see what I did there?

While the current opportunity to be on camera didn’t pan out as I had hoped it would, as I had prepared for, perhaps there would be future opportunities for me now that I was on their radar and now that they saw I was a confident, thoughtful, gracious person.

Instead of getting bitter and resentful, I pivoted and went in a different, unexpected direction.

Maybe I’d hear from the producers; maybe not. But I made my chances a heck of a lot better by seeing the potential opportunity and acting accordingly rather than wallowing in my current circumstances.

During my single days, I had to pivot in similar ways in my dating and love life.

In my early to mid-twenties, when faced with disappointment, setbacks, or rejection, my typical response was to get angry.

I’d retreat behind my walls.

I’d grow bitter.

I’d swear off men and dating forever.

As I grew older, though, I realized those kind of defense mechanisms did little to help me. And so I started looking for the opportunities in my disappointments.

I can remember two different guys who I dated and liked but who told me they weren’t feeling the romantic spark. Instead of getting angry, I said that I understood, that sometimes you just don’t feel it with someone, that I enjoyed the time we spent together.

And I wished them well.

So surprised by my amiable reply to their rejections, they wrote back immediately and said they were actually second guessing what they had done and wondered if I would go out with them again.

You see what I did there?

These men saw a woman who was comfortable in her own skin, a woman who liked who she was, a woman who managed and communicated her emotions calmly and maturely.

And do you know what they both did? They ended up second guessing themselves! And just like that, they asked to see me again.

Another time, I went out twice with a guy I met on Match, but I wasn’t feeling the connection. I told him I had lots of single girlfriends and that we should remain friends. We stayed in touch, he invited me to a party he was having, and I met a guy at that party who I dated for a year.

So…what about you?

How can you turn your disappointments in your dating and love life into opportunities?

Maybe a man who rejects you has friends?

Maybe an event you go to that didn’t prove fruitful for your love life as you hoped it would introduced you to a new friend (which potentially opens up new social opportunities)?

Maybe a man you were dating who disappears on you gives you access to new, untapped self-knowledge?

There are all sorts of possibilities!

Remember: Your dating life is yours to create, build and shape, because you are a dating entrepreneur, a Love TREP, who sees opportunities everywhere, even, nay especially (!), in your disappoitnments.

Be Sociable, Share!

The post Turning Dating Disappointments Into Opportunities appeared first on Loveawake.com blog.

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